): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
