i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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