im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
