Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize