Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
