WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
