i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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