so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize