Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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