He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You may now shotgun with the bride
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
