This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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