can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize
