so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
