I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
