his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize