My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
