In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
