I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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