just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
