its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
