I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
