i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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