I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
