toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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