I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize