i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
