That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize