she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
