my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
