I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
How external is "for external use only"?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
