Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
