Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
