Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
