I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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