I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
