her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
