ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize