she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
