I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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