so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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