Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Shame is for Republicans.
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