Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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