he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
