I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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