Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize