i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The uberlube is also flammable
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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