So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
