I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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