WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
