oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
