He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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