listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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