You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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