I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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