thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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