Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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