My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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