I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize