So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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