i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
