After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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