you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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