call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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