So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
